changes......

wat hav i been doing lately... hmm... getting ready go sch... slping/waking up damn early(in my point of view but oggie lah.. getting used to it liao)..... find job.... quit my bad cigg habit(dying actually)..... weekends go out hav some polluted air from the outside world.... nth much... normal life...

PS: seeing the big rainbow after the thunder storm.... nice....

emo

ytd nite dreamt of daddy... been along time since tat happens... i rmb he came hm... walk pass us.. give us a smile.. and went into the kitchen.... he was concocting a cup of dunno wat... only saw him pouring a packet of powerly stuff and adding water to it.... as he was stirring it we ask how come he's here... he only reply tat he's tired... from crossing bridges and encountering many intersections... dunno which way to turn.... which then i woke up...

i cldnt help but started crying... it was in the middle of the nite at 2 plus near 3.... cry also cant be loud... can only weep for near 1hr.... can only hid in the toilet.... it was like a overwhelming pressure of emotions just came to me...

then it hit me... today(or ytd it depends) is suppose to be our 5th anniversary.... 5 yrs liao... together for 5 freaking long yrs.... ended just like tat... i dunno what and where went wrong..... am i not doing enough up to ur expectations? am i such a lousy gf tat actually for so many yrs u are only tolerating me... hav i not change for the past 4-5 yrs? i know ima always not good enough for u...

i know my temper is a major prob.... u know and i know i've been trying to curb my temper.... but of course still not up to ur expectations... am i wrong to keep quiet when ima feeling down... knowing tat i may shoot innocent ppl? am i wrong to let myself cool down first then tok knowing when ima in bad mood i might scare ppl....? i know u're trying to make me understand tat if there's a prob i shd say it out... and i did.... maybe not in the way u wanted it... but still... ima learning... hav i not been more open compared to the bery beginning?.... i know u're frequently frustrated over this... i know u hav been pissed over over and over again over it... but is tat wat i wanted it? do u think i dun feel bad knowing tat i once again i hav not met ur expectations... alot of times i hav already 'close one eye' over diff issues... cos i dun wanna make a big fuss over it... i dun wanna be tat ah lian tat shoots at everything.... being the one tat to u... perceives as ungracious... as rowdy.... i try to tok logic more than hurtful words.... i try to make ppl really understands wat the hell ima thinking... but it seems like my logic is not the average logic tat ppl used or looked upon.... i know ima kinda slow in reacting to ur comments.. not cos i dun care about it.. is tat i tend to think about it first... wanna grasp wat u really thought about... i dun wanna come across as someone who only give shallow advice or a 'bimbo' which i know u totally dun appreciate....

i dunno who to blame when ima born in this family of mine... i didnt choose who my parents are... i didnt choose who my siblings are... i wasnt given any choice... but tat doesnt mean i hav to forsake them.... i hav a duty as a daughter to my mom... a member in this dysfunctional family... as a sister to my brothers... just as u in ur place in ur family... yes... my family is totally diff from urs... ur family is more open... more gracious... tat doesnt mean at my family sucks to the core...
everyone knows my relationship with my family is not bery close.... its like a war zone everyday... might step on mines if not careful... so izzit wrong to take a longer more gentle approach? being mindful tat my mom is not as young or as healthy as urs.... and being so much more stubborn and head strong.. izzit wrong not to anger her so much as to make her burst a blood vessel and die? yea... to u ima not making any effort watsoever... to u ima just riding on the waves... testing waters.... if u're frustrated for 4 yrs... then wat about me... for ur case if u're not happy u can leave... cos its not ur family.... i cant... no matter wat.... ima her daughter... i got no place to run... cant i try to make her understand in a way tat in the end she is really happy and willing to acknowledge me as a grown up? i wanted her consent and good wishes.... not threats and anger from her.... well as u said.. the prob is my mom... since my bros all accept the fact ima grown up.. i can do watever i wan without any obstacles.. but tats not the real point rite... even u wan ur whole family to support u in watever u do... then y cant i? yes.... my family is hard to communicate(in this case my mom)... but im trying my bery best already... but still not good enough... i dunno wat u thinking... u really wan me hav arguments then i leave hse and be totally free from her clutches? of course tats one way.... but tats not practical rite? wldnt tat worsen the relationship between me and her? wldnt it worsen her health conditions? y u keep thinking ima not doing anything... y u keep thinking tat ima useless in so many aspects...

i still rmb when u ask me whether ima happy tat u're going overseas... ya ima happy.. not cos u're not here.. cos i know this opportunity comes like once a blue moon... i know it will benefit u alot... i cant be selfish and tell u not to go.. but yet i cant tell u tat ima upset u're going... i wanted u to go there with a great mindset... i wanted u to go strive for it... tats y i told u time and time again.. i will use this time to forcus on myself... while u're there i'll upgrade myself... will go be a better person and to show u tat when u come back i hope i'll be someone which u wld be proud of... i know u're upset tat i cant go over... but at least ima using this time to do things tat i know u wld like me to do... ima not wasting time over here while u'er busy with ur career... but in the end... it also seems like not enough for u... ima still too slow in ur eyes...

i love u dearly and deeply...still is..... u're the only other guy which i can truly trust and bare my thoughts and feelings to.... i still rmb before u left u said u'll come back to marry me.... start a family of our own... with u striving a career while i take care of the family and ur every needs.... be the women behind u.. supporting ur every actions and decisions.... be the women tat u see in me.....

on this day i wish u a last happy aniversary and i hope u'll receive great results in watever u do... while i back here.. will strive to be a better me in all aspect....

PS: dar dar.... u'll always be in a special place in my heart...

medical issue....

think sth is really bery wrong with my body liao.... ytd while out with elaine to catch a movie(3pm show) i feel super nausea... keep having the vomiting action..... like tio gag throughout half hr... so while she Q for the tixs i went to toilet...(at least got seat in the cubicle to rest on...)

then jialat liao lor.... keep puking.... then both hands become numb... head feel light... seeing stars(literally).... breaking out in cold sweat... i know these symptoms... ima gonna black out soon... i suddenly feel weak and wanna collapse in the cubicle... had to call Elaine.. just in case i really faint in the toilet... but heng didnt... came out... sat on a stool and just try to regain wat conscious i had left....

this is like the third time it happen... only once did i really fainted.... still rmb tat incident... in Chinatown... not funny sia... hmmm.. dun think its heat stroke or wat... wasnt a hot day ytd.... but anyway.... think i hav to get a check up with a doc... my guess is either low blood pressure(or sudden drop in blood pressure).... or i hav low glucose lvl.... no good sia....

watever.... think i'll head to the clinic on mon or tue... tml clinic not open... for now... just eat watever i can find...

random pic post...

nth to do... gonna post pics of wat i saw.... firstly is earth day thingy.... nth much.. all black de.. wahahha.. wat u expect... they off light mah.... but evening time got take a couple of pics...

food street... makan makan makan... like real... i like tat lil kid~

part of Fullerton hotel... when i was walking on a bridge....

nth much.. standing by the river.. thinking...

need i say more... OH~~ no more baldy~

D24?

lights off~~ slp mode on~

next up... qing ming jie~~ think ima gonna get screw over these pics... ima not suppose to take them in the first place... but... i and them so glue... they wldnt do anything to me de lah.. hor~~

main gate.... long way down....

one of the things u sure will see tat u will now u'er here....

taken at the dua bei gong temple... kinda nice huh?

one if the 'alleys'.... think is is room 41.... if not wrong lah.. all look the same de...

daddy~~(grr... y hav to park so high up.. highest floor... see u also difficult....)

Wong family grand mom and dad.... also highest point....(we all like high places....) nv seen granddad before.. only a pic... super tok kong... a guy with long bread... typical China look.... grand mom?? stern looking.. dun play play with her de lor....

i noticed grand dad's urn is super big... maybe diff time period the urn also diff ba... but this?? itsa huge~~

think is first uncle ba... i bery confused... somemore all my uncles when tio adult age all like carbon copy of my granddad.... (notice... also the super big urn....)

think is 5th uncle....(too many to rmb..... the one who came looking for me... duhzz..)

another 2 uncles.... i know tat kid... i seen him before.. when i was super drunk... mom told me he died before i was born... but i can describe his features to her.. she freaked out.....

Cheung family grand dad.... (one of these days... ima gonna open tat darn glass cabinet and fix tat thing!!!) too bad didnt get to see him... i was his final wish..... he look not bad at tat time huh?

grand mom!!! i was her fav.... cos before granddad died he actually said he wanted a grand daughter.....then rite aft he died one yr... mom got pregnant..(guess who~~?) i rmb her sitting on the rocking chair... wrapping ciggies.. i still rmb the strong kerosene and ciggy smell.... walking while refusing a stick to aide her.. strong women with principles....

nth else to post liao.... think today when i slp gonna be scolded by my zhu zongshi ba dia liao.... nvm lah hor?? treat it as 'meet the parent session... wahahha... chit chat~~ where's the tea and bakuteh~

totally disgusted

OMFG!!!! totally disgusted over a news... i nv knew tat really such a person existed sia... or in this case... so near my social circle... cant believe it.... why can like tat... how can this person do such an thing and yet blame the other person... making us all think tat he/she is the victim...

but anyway... i so believe in karma de... so... the cycle tat he/she started... will eventually end back to the starting point.... i "hope" he/she knows wats coming.... then dun come yelping for help then... cos when i reach out my hands... u refused it... then so be it... do it ur way...

if u tio shamed or wat.... i dunno how to help u liao.. cos u dun help urself in the first place...

normal day

nth much happen... only spend like near 60 bucks online today... 12.45 for a bag(spree ya?) and 35 for my lappy skin.... happy~~ gonna wait for my email telling me tat the skin is ready.. then off to sim lim~~

my lappy gonna hav cute lil starscream and lil jazz!!! but image might be abit blurish since its quite pixeled... NVM.... main purpose is PROTECTION~~~ hopefull it turn out well enough though.. or else... heart ache ar... 35 bucks leh..... i can buy like 4 tops with tat!!!

also... my bb shipment... left one more out of the 4 then... ship to SG!!! my bin kai-s~~~ means more things to occupy my mind....

one last thing.... not wearing ring anymore... dun really wanna 'directly' see it... see liao blood boil...

signing outta~~