mon aft work went to pei dar at ntu.... aft which went to his hse.... fell aslp around 10...and for some weird reason i dun rmb wat happen aft tat... or wat time i reach hm.... itsa like i got a hang over or sth.... all i rmb was looking at dar a few times when he try to wake me up...then next thing is saw my mom... cldnt hear wat they were toking also... like tio censored.... dar kinda told me wat happen... but dun recall anything.... sth is really bery wrong with me....think my mind just shut down from everything... not in the best of moods lately... stressed out by alot of issues.... my mind like tio clouded by smog... nv a day its sunny or even a clear sky de.... really not in the mood to discuss about anything..... just gonna live day by day as it is ba.....
mood not bery good.... some times up some times down.... keep thinking of things... i cant help it if words keep popping up in my head.... i cant help it if i feel so 'off'.... suddenly everything seems uncertain.... everything is blur-ish... everything like dun hav an answer le.... everything is calm now.... life is back to normal it seems... but i just dun feel good about it.... call it insecure or doubts... i dunno... i cant even answer a simple qus which has been thrown to me number of times before..... its like i hav a sudden fear of sth of some sort... yet i cant pin point... was toking to a fr just now.... one thing she said to me.... : every r/s really need a lot of confidence n trust... dunno how true or not... it doesnt really applies even if there is trust and confidence in each other wat.... there will be a certain fear of uncertainty in issues faced.... can a person really put complete trust in another person?? and even its possible... doesnt it hurts??....心很乱..... 不想做任何事..... 想一个人静一静...... 我不想工作.... 我不想出门... 我不想每天起床... 我也不想结婚了....
once again its proven... humans basically are pathetic creatures on earth... totally wasting air, food, resources or in this case.... everything on earth.... humans tend to only rmb bad things in life.... they rmb how unfairly they're being treated... how much shit and hurt they suffered... but almost nv or try to think about the happy lil things in life tat make us humane....just knew... my bro had an argument with sis in law... over a pic... apparently sis in law innocent... but bro jealous/angry... storm out of the hse... blah blah blah.... story goes on.... which comes to my point of me being upset/piss/watever u call it lah....cut story short... he's piss over a guy hitting on me... whereas he go joke(i call it tease) he's female colleague over some burmese curry... aft the whole bloody issue over ima not angry at the ger(which to me is totally not her fault at all...) or him or anyone... i just feel utterly disgusted.... i cant believe tat he can totally like threw me off the bus like tat.... firstly ask me to convey msg to the guy.... (so freaking like wanna challenge the guy...) which he said if he can he will straight go do it.... (wow... ima product... pls tie a ribbon on me and use both hands to give other ppl) on the other hand can joke to his colleague... ask her to COOK for him when he resign... WTH IS TAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN!!!!.... WAT THE FREAKING HELL AM I TO U!!!! 我排老几..... he dun let other guys hit on me but to me he's hitting on other gers.... ima disgusted by his thoughts and actions... i cant stop thinking.... the way he ask her.... his reason for joking with her.... the way he comment about the guy's actions towards me..... i felt there's total injustice.... i didnt do anything to invite trouble yet i was told to 'consider' tat guy's interested in me.... yet there is nth wrong with him joking around.... ima like totally dun feel like toking to him at all... i cant get myself to tok to him.... totally felt betrayed.... dun even wanna see his face now...... DISGUSTED... FEEL LIKE PUKING!!!....
AT THIS POINT OF TIME I DUN EVEN WANNA THINK ABOUT PLANS FOR NEXT YR.....
feeling down lately... work issues..... hp prob....(freaking piss over this....!!!) some sort of communication prob with dar.... haiZzz.... dunno wats wrong also.... dun tell him things cos dun wan him worry he not happy.... tell him things he also upset....(or maybe even more upset over the issue ima toking about) when i ask him wats wrong say nth... ask him how he feels reply me 'like tat lor'.... dunno how to tok to him already liao lor...dunno wats wrong.... like do or not do also cant.... stuck in the middle like tat.... every aspect in life all tio stuck... cant do anything like tat..... sebei sian lor....
to summaries everything... work days are like crap.... getting more and more fed up.... ima iterally having slight fever everyday cos my blood pressure is raising plus my blood is boiling.... weekends also nth much... last weekend pei dar at hm... he doing tutorial while i finish up my gundam.... finally done... (too bad.... havnt take pics of it to upload...)this weekend also nth much... went over on sat... stayed over niteZz... dar cant seem to focus on his tutorial.... think with other issues in his mind its taking its toll on him le... also dun wanna request anything from him....dun think will be staying over much anymore also... nth good ever seems to come out everytime i go over.... or in this case... me staying over is kinda like a once a blue moon thingy... yet nth is done for it... so.... i shall not go plan ahead when to stay over or wat le... ima even thinking dun meet dar le... his exams is like one month away... if ima with him.. there is no way he can study in peace.... for some reason i keep thinking ima hindrance to him... ima always dragging him in some sort.... btw... April coming soon le... alot of things in my mind rite at this moment.... dunno how to solve... dunno how to go about it even.... dun even know whether ima thinking rite now is the right thing to do or not.... shall try not to brood so much over it... another moment in time where ima counting down the days.... to wat i also dunno liao....
CAN SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THIS PIT HOLE OF HELL!!~~~how can anyone be such an idiot!!!! everything hav to wait for me to settle for u.... kaoZz... u really kid izzit... wan 24 hr supervision ar??!!!! bloody hell 30 plus liao still like super blur... simple instructions also dun understand.... expect me come to ur rescue each and everytime izzit.... i dun hav so much freaking time and energy to play such game lor... GRRRRR...... freaking piss rite now!!!
horrible work week... i hav branded my new colleague useless... not only is blur... also gan jiong spider plus having a goldfish memory... write all the notes down also like no use.... literally vomited blood throughout the whole week..... dun even feel like teaching her stuff.... like wats the point sia... like tat how i run in June.... wah sebei sian lor... dunno how sia.... finally tong till weekend... wahahah!! finally can get some deserve rest plus pei dar...(this week special.... dar whole week bo class... see him like everyday... kekeke!!!) did nth much on sat... pei him whole day at hm... sun went out with him Elaine and her bf to ikea..... finally got my mirror for the toilet plus one shd be called a bed side drawer thingy...(finally got place to throw all my skin care and other things into some place.... but intend to place it beside the tv leh...) my room... aft for so long... can start to get organize liao... muahahah!!!today dar ask me alot of 'stupid' qus.... ask when the first time i saw him again wats was my first thought... wahahah... wonder y he ask such things... then i started thinking... (yes... again.... my mind wander off to dunno where...) i thought about will he regret being with me... (or in this case marrying me...) i thought about ever since we 'found' each other aft so many yrs... wat was on my mind since then... wat was on my mind during those times when i wasnt working and he was either on guard duty or doing out field and we'll tok or sms throughout the nite away.... i wonder wats on my mind when he comes to me... saying his probs regarding his r/s.... maybe to him i was a straight forward frship between me and him... but for my case maybe it become complicated.... but i do know i regard him as a fr only then...if so... then wat about the period of time when he lost his sec r/s?? when i was also having issues with my r/s.... i do know during tat time we kinda supported each other... i do know i tease him at times whenever he ask me to find a gf for him... or try to let his mind wander off the r/s issue.... i do know during those times i on off will hav thoughts of him... wondering whether he's fine or not... wondering how he's coping with everything.... his image will just flash into my mind at times... especially when ima down cos of my r/s issues.... and the first person i thought of calling will be him....(i rmb the time i wasnt feeling good.... call him and cried... first time he heard me cry... somemore so jialat... cant even hear wats ima saying....)ima thinking... issit tat time tat i started to hav feelings for him... but by my character... i know even if i do hav... i wldnt do anything... i know i was still trying to work out my own r/s... i know i cherish my r/s dearly not to loss it like this...(but eventually nth seems to matter...)if tats the case... alot of things i said to him then has alot of 'hidden' meaning to it.... alot of things tat i thought about was all encased in me.... i noticed ima bery 口是心非 person... i wldnt say things straight.... maybe cos i dun dare show my emotions or feelings to ppl.... i dunno... but for today i keep thinking about this like the rest of the nite... its like haunting me... think eventually i will find an answer to this 'mystery'.....
PS: 愿我能找出心里的答案...... 老公..... 关于刚才的问题...... 我的答案是........ 我愿意....
