emo

ytd nite dreamt of daddy... been along time since tat happens... i rmb he came hm... walk pass us.. give us a smile.. and went into the kitchen.... he was concocting a cup of dunno wat... only saw him pouring a packet of powerly stuff and adding water to it.... as he was stirring it we ask how come he's here... he only reply tat he's tired... from crossing bridges and encountering many intersections... dunno which way to turn.... which then i woke up...

i cldnt help but started crying... it was in the middle of the nite at 2 plus near 3.... cry also cant be loud... can only weep for near 1hr.... can only hid in the toilet.... it was like a overwhelming pressure of emotions just came to me...

then it hit me... today(or ytd it depends) is suppose to be our 5th anniversary.... 5 yrs liao... together for 5 freaking long yrs.... ended just like tat... i dunno what and where went wrong..... am i not doing enough up to ur expectations? am i such a lousy gf tat actually for so many yrs u are only tolerating me... hav i not change for the past 4-5 yrs? i know ima always not good enough for u...

i know my temper is a major prob.... u know and i know i've been trying to curb my temper.... but of course still not up to ur expectations... am i wrong to keep quiet when ima feeling down... knowing tat i may shoot innocent ppl? am i wrong to let myself cool down first then tok knowing when ima in bad mood i might scare ppl....? i know u're trying to make me understand tat if there's a prob i shd say it out... and i did.... maybe not in the way u wanted it... but still... ima learning... hav i not been more open compared to the bery beginning?.... i know u're frequently frustrated over this... i know u hav been pissed over over and over again over it... but is tat wat i wanted it? do u think i dun feel bad knowing tat i once again i hav not met ur expectations... alot of times i hav already 'close one eye' over diff issues... cos i dun wanna make a big fuss over it... i dun wanna be tat ah lian tat shoots at everything.... being the one tat to u... perceives as ungracious... as rowdy.... i try to tok logic more than hurtful words.... i try to make ppl really understands wat the hell ima thinking... but it seems like my logic is not the average logic tat ppl used or looked upon.... i know ima kinda slow in reacting to ur comments.. not cos i dun care about it.. is tat i tend to think about it first... wanna grasp wat u really thought about... i dun wanna come across as someone who only give shallow advice or a 'bimbo' which i know u totally dun appreciate....

i dunno who to blame when ima born in this family of mine... i didnt choose who my parents are... i didnt choose who my siblings are... i wasnt given any choice... but tat doesnt mean i hav to forsake them.... i hav a duty as a daughter to my mom... a member in this dysfunctional family... as a sister to my brothers... just as u in ur place in ur family... yes... my family is totally diff from urs... ur family is more open... more gracious... tat doesnt mean at my family sucks to the core...
everyone knows my relationship with my family is not bery close.... its like a war zone everyday... might step on mines if not careful... so izzit wrong to take a longer more gentle approach? being mindful tat my mom is not as young or as healthy as urs.... and being so much more stubborn and head strong.. izzit wrong not to anger her so much as to make her burst a blood vessel and die? yea... to u ima not making any effort watsoever... to u ima just riding on the waves... testing waters.... if u're frustrated for 4 yrs... then wat about me... for ur case if u're not happy u can leave... cos its not ur family.... i cant... no matter wat.... ima her daughter... i got no place to run... cant i try to make her understand in a way tat in the end she is really happy and willing to acknowledge me as a grown up? i wanted her consent and good wishes.... not threats and anger from her.... well as u said.. the prob is my mom... since my bros all accept the fact ima grown up.. i can do watever i wan without any obstacles.. but tats not the real point rite... even u wan ur whole family to support u in watever u do... then y cant i? yes.... my family is hard to communicate(in this case my mom)... but im trying my bery best already... but still not good enough... i dunno wat u thinking... u really wan me hav arguments then i leave hse and be totally free from her clutches? of course tats one way.... but tats not practical rite? wldnt tat worsen the relationship between me and her? wldnt it worsen her health conditions? y u keep thinking ima not doing anything... y u keep thinking tat ima useless in so many aspects...

i still rmb when u ask me whether ima happy tat u're going overseas... ya ima happy.. not cos u're not here.. cos i know this opportunity comes like once a blue moon... i know it will benefit u alot... i cant be selfish and tell u not to go.. but yet i cant tell u tat ima upset u're going... i wanted u to go there with a great mindset... i wanted u to go strive for it... tats y i told u time and time again.. i will use this time to forcus on myself... while u're there i'll upgrade myself... will go be a better person and to show u tat when u come back i hope i'll be someone which u wld be proud of... i know u're upset tat i cant go over... but at least ima using this time to do things tat i know u wld like me to do... ima not wasting time over here while u'er busy with ur career... but in the end... it also seems like not enough for u... ima still too slow in ur eyes...

i love u dearly and deeply...still is..... u're the only other guy which i can truly trust and bare my thoughts and feelings to.... i still rmb before u left u said u'll come back to marry me.... start a family of our own... with u striving a career while i take care of the family and ur every needs.... be the women behind u.. supporting ur every actions and decisions.... be the women tat u see in me.....

on this day i wish u a last happy aniversary and i hope u'll receive great results in watever u do... while i back here.. will strive to be a better me in all aspect....

PS: dar dar.... u'll always be in a special place in my heart...